A realist's guide to Walt Disney World

46 lessons from our recent vacation

Nov 27, 2022

Happy Thanksgiving Weekend, friends.

At some point in your adult life, you may make the pilgrimage to Walt Disney World under duress from your children or someone close to you. In this newsletter, I am always trying to extract lessons from the little things. A family vacation to Walt Disney World is a Big Thing; however, hundreds of tiny wins and losses will impact your experience. Disney is an emotional gauntlet, a place capable of both bloating your body with serotonin and draining it of every last ounce of shit to give—you are on top of the world or barely breathing! With such high financial and emotional stakes, it’s prudent to be prepared.

When you search for Disney tips, you will notice that DisFluencers own the internet. I respect their hustle and SEO skills, but the intel is littered with affiliate ads. Searching for real information about Disney is harder than finding the recipe on a food blog. Besides, most of these Frappuccino-loving, matching-tee-wearing Disney stans keep their pixie-dusted advice a bit too surface-level for me. For example, it’s not enough to know where to find the best Dole Whip if your kid’s so overheated that she can’t even think straight, let alone be reasoned with. There are layers of information you’ll need to survive and even more to thrive. Yes, thrive. I do believe you have the chance to enjoy yourself, if you are committed to making that happen.

Disney requires technical and mental strategies, and I am going to provide you with some of mine here. Please note, I am no expert, and this list is non-exhaustive. It’s meant to jumpstart your thinking and frame your decision making, but everyone has different needs. Okay, enough disclaimers. Here is how a realist can approach Disney and win.

Planning

Find your Disney Friend(TM). Everyone has one. When you find yours, ask for thirty minutes of his time to extract as much insider knowledge as you can. Thanks to our Disney Friend, Michael Antonelli, who went above and beyond to share with us “must see” lists and daily timelines of when to schedule which attractions. His help was everything.
Use a Disney travel agent. Also under the category of “seeking help,” you need Disney specialists, not necessarily for their vast knowledge but for their technical skills. They know exactly when to book what and don’t miss a beat. They’ve also helped us implement some major last-minute pivots for both of our Disney trips, the first due to illness and the second due to a hurricane.
When in doubt, stay longer. It’s hard to “dabble” in Disney. Much of the stress comes from being too ambitious with your time and wanting to pack too much in. If you are on the fence about staying an extra day, just do it and allow for some flexibility in your schedule.
Transportation matters. Imagine the start of your park day and the end of your park day. What is your tolerance for BS? Transportation to and from the parks differs, but even the most convenient options are strained at peak times. Think about how important convenience is to you and your family, and let that dictate where you stay.
Don’t forget about getting to/from the airport. There used to be a free bus, but now there is not. Bus options are still available for a fee, but they charge per adult, so run the numbers to see whether a private ride makes more sense.
One park, one day. If you manage your Genie+ right, you can enjoy almost all the attractions at a park in just one day. Depending on the age of guests in your party, Animal Kingdom could even be a half-day park.
You get what you pay for. Disney is privilege-enabling and cost-prohibitive. This becomes truer with every policy update. Those willing to pay find the most conveniences available to them, and in my opinion, many are worth it. Here’s a good example. I accidentally booked the wrong dates for our trip in November, and when I went to reschedule for the correct dates, our hotel only had the concierge floor available. The rooms cost slightly more per night, but we received complimentary hot breakfast, take-along snacks, happy hour, and dessert with a balcony view of the evening’s Magic Kingdom fireworks. With small kids who love to graze, the cost difference paid for itself twice over.
Dive headfirst into Genie+. You have to understand Genie+ before you arrive. Every morning around 7 a.m., you must log into the app and purchase your Genie+ passes for the day, as well as any individual Lighting Lanes for hot-ticket attractions. The system isn’t perfect. I feel like it removes spontaneity and keeps everyone’s faces buried into their iPhones throughout the day. However, we were able to enjoy almost every attraction we wanted to with very short wait times. Somewhere, an operations team is patting themselves on the back for getting that part right.

Packing

Orlando is not Miami. Many of my peers from the Northeast have certain expectations of the weather in Florida, and I’m here to dash them. Orlando is whack. You can be freezing and sweltering and soaked in a day—in an hour, if you’re in and out of air conditioned buildings. Thin layers are key.
Bring S’well bottles. Disney doesn’t make hydrating easy. Some parks have more water fountains than others, but you will have to purchase water at some point. Carrying insulated water bottles is important regardless, because you can keep your bottled water colder for longer, too.
The right shoes are crucial. For you more than anyone. Kids are royalty in Disney. You, on the other hand, are Cinderella’s carriage horses. We became Crocs people overnight. I’m not ashamed, they’re the most comfortable shoe I’ve ever worn.
Bring meds for everything. There is no cough medicine in all of Disney World. It’s sold out. Plan for what your family might need instead of leaving it to chance.
Hotels are noisy. If they need a sound machine at home, they will definitely need one there. Kids are loud. They bang on walls. They run through halls. You get the point.
Skip the Mickey Ears. Hot tip: classic Mickey Ears don’t fit under stroller hoods. Buy these scrunchies and clips from Amazon instead.
Also, everyone needs a hat.
Dress for exercise. You are not going to the beach or out for boozy brunch. Consider water-wicking shorts, because if you don’t want to get wet, you’ll be the only one who does. It’s a universal truth!
Think function over fashion. Nobody cares what you look like. Bring clothes and bags that serve the purpose. You will almost never change before dinner.
Fanny packs rule supreme. Every group needs one for easy phone access.
Ponchos are not windbreakers. Ponchos and windbreakers do not serve the same purpose. If there is scattered rain in the forecast, bring windbreakers, too. Ponchos are more for a sudden downpour.
Phones will die. Make sure you have portable chargers for every device. Keep them all in a master Ziploc bag.

Surviving

Every child under 8 needs a stroller. Even the older one’s pride will evaporate as the day goes on. Rent them a seat. Use third-party vendors that will deliver them to your hotel.
Every stroller looks the same. And there’s a fleet of them around every corner. Attach a bandana or other identifying accessory to make yours stand out.
Have a gifting plan. Set your child’s expectations from the jump so it doesn’t become a battle every time they enter a store. Hold firm most of the trip, and if you’re going to cave, wait until the end.
The Disney World app is your friend. Booking meals and attractions is only a sliver of what the app can do. You can check wait times, unlock your hotel room, view photos taken on rides and by cast members, and use the interactive map to find anything.
The coffee is weak. Wondering why you’re so exhausted? It’s not the Florida sun. You’re going through caffeine withdrawal. Unless a small beige water from Dunkin’ does it for you at home, you’re going to need an extra cup to get going.
Leave too early. Everything takes 30 minutes. That includes your 15-minute bus ride and your 10-minute monorail ride, because it’s never just the transportation itself but waiting for your transportation and walking from said transportation to wherever you’re going.
Find shade. If you pass a quiet nook with ample shade, use it. Take a breather. Even if you have somewhere to be, these breaks are very important to calm overstimulated kids.
Use the bathroom when you see one—not when you need one. The last thing you want is to be first in line for Space Mountain and on the verge of an accident. No bueno.
Germs don’t exist. Funny coming from one of the world’s foremost germophobes, but hear me out. In Disney, there are an infinite number of high-touch surfaces, crowded queues, flying particles, you name it. My kids are conditioned to be cleaner than most, but even I know I can’t control a hot zone like this. We wiped a lot of hands, but we also did not wipe every hand. You just can’t, so don’t make it a focus of your energy.
Your children are a sliding scale. Exhaustion occurs in two forms: acute exhaustion and deep exhaustion. Your children might burn out during their first late night in the park, but that is only a fraction of the borderline mood disorder they will display after four nights of sleep deprivation. Plan your best stuff early each day and earlier in your trip as a whole.
Have late nights. Have some early nights, too. See above. You don’t need to stay for the fireworks every night. You don’t even need to stay for dinner. If your kids have early bedtimes at home, consider including one abridged day in the middle of the trip. Use the pool, eat dinner at the hotel, and put them to bed by their normal time.
Do what must be done. Disney is not a judgment-free zone (is anywhere?), but it’s also not home. Loosen up on your rules a bit. Give the extra snack. Bring the iPad to the table. Let them hop in bed with you. If it resolves a conflict at a time when you can’t imagine waging that battle, then it’s worth it.

Thriving

Sit-down meals are your break. Wild to think the thing we find least relaxing with kids at home would be the most relaxing at Disney, but yes. Sitting down in an air-conditioned restaurant for an hour in the middle of (waves hands around) *all that* helps. You can also throw back an adult beverage, which also helps.
Everything is unhealthy. During this past visit, the fast casual fare felt very, uh, fried. If you have any dietary restrictions or preferences, and you see an option that works for you, purchase it then and there. Don’t assume you’ll see it again at the spot your kids are ordering their chicken fingers from.
Split up. Everyone has their own agenda, and that is okay. Dividing to conquer makes everyone happier.
Small hotel towels FTW. Toss one in your backpack to wipe down wet seats.
Don’t let food lines fool you. This isn’t New York City—the best food is not necessarily where the longest lines are. For example, at EPCOT’s World Showcase, the line was longer for poutine in Canada than pork belly in Brazil. You know what your tastes are, so be wary of whose you are relying on in this particular setting.
Cast members tell their stories. Cast members make Walt Disney World what it is. They hail from around the country and the world. Talk to them and hear about their lives.
Go beyond the rides. There are great interactive opportunities in the parks for kids. EPCOT’s World Showcase offers passports with small activities in different countries, and Animal Kingdom has learning stations throughout the park that are entertaining and educational. The cast members at these stations are so friendly and welcoming. Both of my daughters won’t stop talking about the origami made just for them in Japan.
Challenge them. Push your kids onto rides they are on the fence about. It could be a solid lesson in bravery for them, and the downside is pretty temporary.
Let them ask questions. Everyone is different. We know this, but do our kids? Let them approach you about who and what they observe. There are so many teachable moments if you allow there to be.
Being late happens. Don’t worry about missing your Lightning Lane or running behind for dinner. If you are friendly and kind, you can talk your way around most scheduling flubs.
Popcorn is life. The snack that keeps on giving is Disney’s best value: $2 per refill with a commemorative bucket.
Expect bad photos. I happen to think this is an inside job by Big Disney to coerce us into buying the photo pass. There are almost no good photo spots in Disney save for those manned by the professional photographers, and the restaurants and rides are too dark. Personally, I don’t mind. My Disney content was a bit niche. But if this would bother you, consider buying the photo pass.
Rain is a mindset. You didn’t come to sunbathe, anyway. Just be one with the skies and carry on. See above, Orlando is not Miami.
Don’t deny yourself fun. Even if your trip centers around a child, if you don’t sneak out a thrill or two for yourself, you’re doing it wrong. Allow yourself a moment of glee in a place designed for just that. Guardians of the Galaxy is the maybe best ride I’ve ever been on. I’m glad I didn’t deny myself that experience!

Disney can be a challenging vacation. The magic does not just “happen,” but it’s there, waiting for you to find it. For all of the curated experiences, the random moments produce as many unexpected memories, and you will hold onto those just as much.

I’m willing to deep-dive on Disney with anyone, anytime: averagejoelle3@gmail.com.

The little things

Last weekend, we took a party bus into the city to see Dave Matthew Band at Madison Square Garden on the last night of their tour. I’ve been to more Dave shows than I can count, but this one was over-the-top, hands-down one of the best I’ve seen. The band from SNL lent a hand throughout the show; they were amazing, too. Surrounded by good friends on a perfect fall night, nothing could’ve been better.

Also

I read:

Gratitude Lists Didn’t Work For Me – Things That Don’t Suck
Life in the Slow Lane - Longreads
Laughing at Kanye Doesn’t Help – The New York Times
In The Age of Hybrid Working, Are Work Friendships A Nostalgic Dream? – Refinery 29
The incredible shrinking future of college – Vox

I watched:

From Scratch on Netflix, which is emotional warfare but the most beautiful story of love and family and identity. I can’t get over it.

I bought:

A black Apparis faux fur jacket, which feels like the ultimate upgrade from my old pea coats. They are having a sale event, but many jackets are final sale.