Green is our ugliest color

We need to stop caring about what other people have.

While navigating my twenties in New York City, I observed something about a particular type of woman, one I encountered often in my studies and circles. You could always tell when she liked what you were wearing, because she wore it all over her face. “UGH, I love your dress,” she’d say if she knew you. If she didn’t, she would scowl at your passing, her eyes scanning you up and down. I brought this observation to my friends and we’d laugh at the lunacy: “UGH, that bag is perfect! UGH, your hair looks amazing! Ugh! UGH!” To be clear, this particular woman may not dislike you. She just wants your dress more than she likes or dislikes you.  

Envy is a hidden poison we all sip from time to time. Our over-filtered world makes it difficult to avoid. Indulging on occasion won’t destroy you, but when you imbibe too often, envy fills your body with its venom. You become the girl with the scowl on her face, allowing envy to consume even your closest relationships, because if left unchecked, it eventually will.

I began thinking about envy last week after I went faux-viral across a group of women I consider my contemporaries. (I say “faux-viral,” because outside of my friends, their friends, and their friends’ cousin’s camp friends, no one else really cared). My Reel took aim at our insatiable thirst for intel surrounding Brandon Charnas, husband of OG fashion influencer Arielle Charnas, otherwise known by her brand’s namesake, Something Navy. Putting aside the substance of the rumors, I riffed on the absurdity of us: feral thirty-somethings who have never worked harder and faster to sniff out the truth. We literally thought we were the women’s underground Mayday network, our thumbs click-clacking through the night to source eyes on The Polo Bar and Art Basel. Walking to school pickup, I shared the gossip with my mom over the phone.

“And they posted a photo getting coffee together, but my friend on the Upper East Side says Ralph’s doesn’t open until 10 a.m.! It’s a front!” I exclaimed.

“But I don’t understand. Why do you all care?” she asked.

“Mom, I can’t explain why. We just do.”

Deep down, I had some ideas. Let me preface them with the fact that I do not align with Something Navy. For one, I don’t understand how a brand founded and grown by women could appoint a male CEO. But let’s put aside the business and its challenges, because Insider covered them. In theory, Arielle is aspirational. As young women, we watched her traverse the city with her progressively upscale lifestyle on display. While we refinanced our student loan debt, she moved into a larger apartment. While we worked until midnight, she unboxed Chanel bags. While we doomscrolled like zombies through our babies’ witching hours, she and her husband “snuck out” for dinner every night. While the sounds of sirens haunted our bedtimes and the chill of COVID winters diminished our spirits, she fled for more comfortable accommodations. Her clothes. Her staff. Her large, loving family. You might like her, or you might not. But envy doesn’t care about that.

The worst extreme has us wish ill upon others. To want to watch it all fall apart. I don’t wish this for her, and I don’t think most people do. More likely, we fell into a frenzy seeking to prove that what she has isn’t real. That the image she maintains is lie, because it’s unattainable, even by her. What we have is closer to reality than what she projects into the world.

By this logic, we validate the limits of our own lives through our perception of others.

This is why we care. Reading it on paper feels pretty gross, though.

Most jealous people frame their opinions about others around how others make them feel about themselves. Even friends become mirrors, reflections of their insecurity. Falling into this pattern poses a great risk: if you do this to one person, you’ll probably do it again and again.

To a degree, I think we’ve all been guilty of this at some point. I was a rather envious and jealous person when I was younger. As an only child of divorced parents, I struggled to find solid footing with them after moving away for college. I observed that many of my peers had more robust and stable support systems than I did, and it made me angry—angrier than when they separated. But in processing my anger, deep jealousy brewed for anyone I perceived had it easier than me. I grew envious of clothes, cars, grades, opportunities, anything someone had help with that I didn’t. Everyone else’s means were a referendum on me.

What an ugly way to feel.

I’m saddened to admit that I couldn’t break my own toxic cycle until I met people who were worse. Realizing that a friend, in her soul, doesn’t wish you well is incredibly painful, but the signs are often there from the start. Signs that look like everything here. They snuck up on me before, but they won’t again. As I’ve gotten older, I can protect myself better; not only from growing too close to the wrong people, but also from allowing their energy to poison how I feel, too.

Envy spreads wherever it is offered. Across playgrounds, platforms, and workplaces, it will find us. We can give in a little—we’re human, after all. But when we feel ourselves sinking, we have to consciously throw ourselves a raft. She is not you. You are not her. You will never truly walk a day in her shoes, or her dress, or her life. Meaningful connections with other women are crucial to every part of our lives. Without the ability to reject our worst quality, we’re at risk of not knowing the joys of positive relationships. We’re at risk of never enjoying our own lives.

As quick as it began, the influencer drama fizzled out, right around when the season finale of The White Lotus aired. I keep thinking about poor Tanya. She had all the money in the world but was always seeking. She may have battled the men coming for her, but in the end, she couldn’t get out of her own way.

Either can some of us.

Have you ever felt green with envy? Let’s discuss: averagejoelle3@gmail.com.

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The little things

I’m back on my custom kicks thing. Hobbies are awesome, because your commitment to them can ebb and flow with how busy you are. I’ve been too swamped to paint since September, but I jumped back in for some special gifts, like this pair I made for our friend’s 40th birthday. Now that I have more control over my schedule, I’m toying with the idea of selling them, but the price point would have to match the time I put in. Money is time, people!

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Also

I read:

• Banana Republic Is In Its Vital Era — What’s Contributing To Its Success — Refinery29

• Squishmallows Are Taking Over the World — Slate

• Wise Women Say, Only Fools Rush into Adult Female Friendships — Every Shade of Grey

• We Need to Talk About Daphne — The Cut

I watched:

• Wednesday, on Netflix, because The White Lotus can’t be my entire personality anymore. It’s a clever spin-off that pays homage to The Addams Family material but manages to be current in its relationship dynamics and cultural commentary. Big thumbs up.

I filmed:

• My daughter’s first Instagram Reel (at her request). You’re doing great, sweetie!

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Your wins

Lots of people caring for kids home sick with [insert illness here]. Erica, for one, finally won the battle to have her toddler to finish her antibiotics for a double ear infection (yogurt did the trick). The win is finding a way, because we always do.