Our Tiny Rebellions Seltzer Tasting 2021
Remember when there was only one spiked seltzer? I’m no historian, but I believe the first one that mattered was White Claw. You probably saw it for the first time clutched in the hand of some bruh in lobster shorts, but quickly, its popularity exploded and you didn’t need to be a Chad, Tad, or Thad to enjoy it.
Now that it’s The People’s Chosen Drink, the options are endless. Every alcoholic beverage company is releasing wilder flavors than the last, fighting for the least calories and the most alcohol and the best social and wtf am I even drinking – how did I go from rotating sparkling wine bottles in the caves of wine country to pounding carbonated grain alcohol at the public pool? But, I digress.
As the weather warmed, I wandered the liquor store perplexed by the options. There were just too many. I wanted to try them all without committing to a full pack of any of them. Through this conundrum, the spiked seltzer tasting was born, planned, and executed. A wine tasting but for spiked seltzer, where you could pour just a sip into a fancy coup, taste, and discard. Or chug, I don’t judge.
The tasting was a ladies only affair last Thursday evening. On the heels of a spring that eased towards normalcy, everyone seemed happy to have a reason to put on their garden attire, eat snacks from Trader Joe’s, and exploit our most basic desires. We had stunning, cool weather and even better company.
But this was more than a social gathering – it was research. I offered six different brands of spiked seltzers, mostly ones I’ve never tried before but wanted to. We judged the seltzers using very scientific criteria: flavor combination; flavor realness; buzziness (how drunk can I get?); bubbles; and can design.
After a grueling three-plus hours of “research,” we came to the following conclusions. Here are the results of the Our Tiny Rebellions Spiked Seltzer Tasting 2021, ranked from worst to best.
Backed by rap mogul and Kylie-adjacent Travis Scott, CACTI took the spiked seltzer world by storm this past year with record-breaking sales for the Anheuser-Busch Company. It’s made with 100% premium blue agave from Mexico and 7% alcohol per volume (ABV), which is more than most, but the calories also top 150, which is also more than most.
Despite the buzz (pun intended), it was vile. No matter the flavor – lime, strawberry, pineapple – it tasted like cold medicine. Some tasters even gave it a zero, and for a third more calories, you’d hope to gain something in the flavor department, but no. I actually poured mine out, which says a lot, because I’m not one to be wasteful with drinks.
How could a vodka company go wrong with a vodka spritz? Turns out, it can. Although the Ketel One Botanical Vodka Spritz contains no artificial sweeteners, no GMOs, and no added sugars, it also has no alcohol (3.6% ABV) and tastes like nothing. Aside from being great on the bubbles, the Grapefruit Rose flavor tasted, as one friend put it, “like a watered-down cocktail.” The textured floral can was beautiful, but looks can’t distract from the substance of the matter here.
Back when my intestinal lining allowed me to drink beer, I loved Sixpoint. So when I rolled past its new seltzer, self-proclaimed “the official party seltzer,” I was quite excited. The flavor combos are inventive and include: triple berry disco; lime cucumber; the lemon bar; and passion fruit orange guava. We sampled the passion fruit orange guava, which Sixpoint deems “in your face” on the guava front and orange that takes “center-stage” with the first sip, leaving you with a lingering finish of “mimosa memories.” Sigh.
I appreciate the word party, but it’s just not true. Our reviews were mixed, the flavor perceived as realistic but not nearly bold enough. One taster likened it to the “refreshing water you’re handed after a massage.” Sounds like more of a downer than a popper. Would I drink it again if handed to me? Sure. Would I purchase it? No.
High Noon and I go way back to quarantine, so it almost doesn’t feel like a fair assessment. It’s my go-to brand for pool parties and a light sip on a warm evening. Made with real vodka and real juice, no added sugar, and gluten free, all of its flavors sit around 100 calories with low-ish carbs. It has an average buzz at 4.5% ABV. More importantly, the flavors taste real, and it holds its bubbles longer than 30 seconds. For the tasting, I purchased a limited edition tropical pack, which included flavors like watermelon, mango, passionfruit, and pineapple. Some tasters really enjoyed the passionfruit and called it the favorite of the evening.
The name says it all. Beach Juice is what you bring to the Jersey Shore and pair with a hoagie. It’s an adult sparkling lemonade that still tastes like childhood. In a gram-worthy pink and blue beachscape can, it contains 5% ABV, 100 calories, zero sugar, and pressed lemons. Although it lost its bubbles faster than desired, it just felt the most organic in flavor and feeling. By far, it was the most widely commented on beverage with almost all positive feedback.
Finally, the best of all, one I hadn’t even noticed before I saw the little label at the liquor store underneath it that read “Best Seltzer” in some newly formed contest of seltzers. CANTEEN is the “provision of choice for the new explorer.” It’s an adventurer’s seltzer. Some people say I look like a contestant on Survivor these days, so I dig it.
CANTEEN’s watermelon flavor has 5% ABV, just 93 calories, zero sugar, and zero carbs. But most importantly, it tasted like watermelon. Through and through. It also held a solid spritz, enough for me to sip and not rush through it like a popsicle in a heat wave. I wanted more of them; many of us did, which was perhaps the biggest compliment of all.
If this was a dissertation, I’d conclude as follows: buy High Noon, Beach Juice, and CANTEEN. Share them with people. Maybe host a tasting of your own and give your friends a night to smile and laugh and try something new.
Sipping any seltzers this Fourth of July Weekend? Share with me your favorites (and least favorites!): averagejoelle3@gmail.com.
The little things
If you follow me on Instagram, this is old news. I created this charcuterie for the seltzer tasting, and I’m damn proud of it. I’d been talking about how much I missed making shared apps platters since the middle of quarantine, so I was thrilled to have an excuse for it. Everything you see was from Trader Joe’s, so it was budget friendly, too.
If you’re considering a large-group charcuterie board of your own, I highly recommend slicing the cheese, even if that feels counterintuitive. Don’t go overboard on the meat and cheese options, and include both sweet and savory crackers with different textures. Fresh fruit is a welcomed pop of sweetness, and you can fill in the holes with nuts or small candies.
Excellent prose! Compellingly written and wonderfully described.
A large group of my friends and i passed by a seltzer tasting in Reno in early June where, pre-pandemic, we would regularly attend a brewfest. This year there was only a street fair which also included a craft beer tasting. It was poorly organized and a sad attempt to replace the cancelled Reno Brews and Blues festival that we attend annually. Nevertheless, I appreciated the idea, being a fan of samplings myself. I have hosted various hard alcohol taste tests like Irish whiskeys, tequilas, scotches, etc. Most famously a tasting we dubbed "The Battle of the Glens" pitting Glenfiddich, Glenmorangie, and Glenlivet against one another. (For the record, the Glenmorangie Quinta Ruban won hands down).
Anyhow, sorry for my rambling and thank you for the piece. It sounds like you had a fabulous time and I look forward to taking this idea and hosting a party of the same. I think my friends and i would thoroughly enjoy it. I'm fascinated to see if we reach the same conclusions. Cheers!!