Table stakes
We need to relearn how to agree to disagree.
You may not know this, but some pockets of California are as conservative as they get. Social media and election coverage paint with broad strokes about states where the outcome’s a foregone conclusion, but in Orange County, California, you shouldn’t be surprised.
We recently traveled there for a conference, during which my husband had an opportunity to speak at an investor’s wine dinner. A couple that must have been in their mid-fifties snatched up the seats across the family-style table from us, eager to speak with Doug after his interview was over. Within five minutes of exchanging pleasantries, the woman began thrusting her politics onto us. She knew we were from the New York City area, so perhaps it was on purpose. I could feel our associate begin to shift in his seat.
Her views were extreme, and I write this with few adjectives on purpose. She believed in things you’d find in the corners of a dark web chatroom. I am positive we disagree about most acute political issues and broader themes of how people deserve to be treated. But we were there on business. My husband needed to work the room. So, I did what our colleague later used the perfect analogy to describe: I blocked the tackle.
For the entire dinner, I sat and spoke with this couple. After the first course, I was able to identify our common ground: food. Organic produce. Farm boxes and farmlands and grass-fed proteins. Healing our bodies through what we eat. I stayed engaged. I asked questions. We talked about our children and our careers. I’ve had many more strained conversations in my life, though I can’t say I yearned to stay in touch.
My greatest superpower is leveling with people. As a lawyer, I learned the importance of understanding the other side’s argument—you can’t defeat an argument if you haven’t fully examined it, or listened, or combed through its supporting facts. But I’ve spent more time negotiating than winning in court. Most cases end that way: in compromise. They say, a good settlement gives each side something but leaves everyone a little unhappy.
You can agree to disagree. You can coexist with the outcome.
I keep returning to that dinner in my mind. Too many of us aren’t willing to do what I did: sit in the discomfort of someone else’s opinion. It’s October now, and I’m deeply concerned about the season ahead. What will another election cycle do to us?
To be honest, I hate putting labels on what I believe. Clearly, through this newsletter, you know how I feel about issues like women’s reproductive freedom, gender pay equity, common-sense gun laws, and basic respect during the pandemic. But I am not a rubber stamp. That shouldn’t be as taboo as it feels right now.
Today, we’re really not allowed to be reasonable. Our politics are vilified and pushed to the outer edges of two parties that probably don’t represent what most of us even want. A faint whisper of understanding for a view that doesn’t align with the team you’re supposed to be siding with puts you at risk of being vilified yourself. Both sides are guilty of this. Attacks on our character for so little have a chilling effect on the open flow of questions and opinions and ideas. Worst of all, by refusing to acknowledge any common ground, we’re spiraling further away from progress.
There was once a time when more of us listened. We watched debates to understand positions and consider which ones we aligned with, rather than to capture sound bites like sports clips and deflect them back onto the internet with a *THIS* or *OMFG.* I remember finding my thoughts for the first time as a young voter in Gainesville, Florida, perhaps one of the most purple places to attend college. My beliefs were misguided and unduly influenced by the adult I thought I would become, but at least it felt like there were choices to be made.
The more polarized our country becomes, the more disillusioned I am. That’s what stings the most. I hate to say that it feels like this is what both parties want: for us to be too busy fighting The Epic Battle between them (and each other) to pay attention.
I do have friends and acquaintances with opposing political views. We may never change each other’s minds on every topic, but we don’t need to. In your life, the role of someone who believes something different than you doesn’t have to be to change your mind, but rather, to take you out of your echo chamber and expand your thinking. If we foreclose ourselves from those opportunities altogether, we’re doing ourselves a huge disservice. We’re also all-but ensuring we get nowhere.
That night, as the conversation grew more intimate, I could tell she wanted to circle back to politics. I told her, we probably don’t agree about most things, but that bigger problem is that we aren’t able explore the middle ground anymore. That everyone’s so quick to want to capture, cancel, and convict each other, we’re degrading the way we form connections. I’m pretty sure her husband said I should run for office after that, but I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less.
We need to be able to get back to the table. We’ve been pushed too far away. If we can’t do it for the sake of political progress, then we should for each other. We must get back to the table, even just to disagree.
Anyone else literally dreading another cycle of this? You’ve got a friend in me: averagejoelle3@gmail.com.
The little things
Doug and I are in Barcelona celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. I wouldn’t call this a Little Thing—it took a lot to make this trip happen. Thank you to: our loving daughters for not making this too hard on us (since they are not personal subscribers I will be sure to share this with them, lol); my friends for their unwavering support of my outfit and food choices; our amazing BFW team for holding it down at work; and most of all, my mom for being the greatest Rah-Rah on the planet and spending the entire week doing it all so we could have this time to ourselves.
Also
I read:
The Emma Chamberlain Effect — Marie Claire
Teachers Can’t Hold Students Accountable. It’s Making the Job Miserable. — The New York Times
The tyranny of children’s birthday parties — The Purse (a newsletter written by my new friend, the wonderful Lindsey Stanberry! Check it out!)
I bought:
A whole new face regimen. I’m leaning heavily into beauty products you can’t find in the states and brands that cost less here than at home. Might just have to do a round up when I’m back.
And also, ICYMI, Longchamp’s Le Pliage bags are having a renaissance. I snagged this cutie in chartreuse (and for a lesser cost overseas, weee).
Thank you. More people need to say this