We bought a zoo

Okay, we did not buy a zoo. But this news deserves a grand statement, a harder launch than the faux humility of “we did a thing” or “some personal news” when you really want to scream-write in all caps but that would be weird. Be cool, Heather. Don’t be all, like, uncool.

We are writing another book. It’s about marrying your money beliefs to the person you’re married to (or loving on).

For now, our book is called The Merge: Navigating the power struggles over money in relationships. The idea is that our money beliefs are closely entangled with our identities. For this reason, relationship conflicts over money cut deep and to the heart of our greater power struggles around gender, class, culture, and so on.

Unlike how-to books that frame relationships around a series of life events, we want The Merge to take a different approach. Life isn’t as cut and dry as “surviving the wedding” or “buying the house.” Relationships ebb and flow with the influences they are exposed to—some exist long before a couple even meets and others develop over time. By examining the deeper dynamics between two people, The Merge will not skip to problem solving. It will uncover and validate feelings. It will aim to generate respect and sustain equity in a relationship even when the financial playing field isn’t equal, because it won’t always be. Most of the time, it isn’t. 

I will be real with you. I said I wouldn’t do this again.

I don’t mean I wouldn’t write another book with my husband; I just promised myself I would not emotionally tether myself so hard to a project, and yet, here I am. Doing what I do. Writing a book is an emotional roller coaster. But here’s a little more insight than I’m used to giving into why this matters so much to me.

I’ve spent more than a decade writing deeply personal essays about my childhood through the lens of my twenties living in New York City. Some are pretty funny and some are quite sad. I made some big mistakes, not even the greatest of which was accruing $225,000 in student loan debt to attend law school. But the deeper I dove into these stories about my misguided quest for perpetual achievement, self-sabotage masked as responsibility, and emotional withholding due to what I only recognize in hindsight as depression, the bigger role I realize my beliefs around money had to do with it. Like, all of it.

To me, money was everything and nothing. The thing I thought would fix me, and yet, kept hurting me because of what I thought it represented. How could anyone give or receive love that way?

Healing your relationship with money is healing your relationships. Period.

So I realized, a book of stories about me isn’t the end game. But a book of stories about me, Doug, and all of you could actually make a difference, if we really go there. We want to dive into the money issues no one talks about and make people feel seen.

This means a couple of things. First, The Merge is my whole personality now. JK, it is not, but it has to be my top priority for the next year. I will be writing less often for Our Tiny Rebellions, but not never. This newsletter started as my pandemic safe space and became my third baby, and I am too proud of what we do here to stop. If you would ever like to dip your toe into the Substackosphere and guest write for Our Tiny Rebellions, please reach out.

Doug and I will also be writing more about love and money together in a new newsletter called The Joint Account. We’re hoping to merge (get it) our audiences in more ways than one, and even conduct passive research for the book through the process. I suspect many of you will like it, seeing that my post about lifestyle creep for kids was my highest viewed of all time. So if you see an email from The Joint Account come through, do not be alarmed. We will not spam you like Dick’s Sporting Goods does because you had to buy your daughter softball cleats there that one time. We will, however, help you talk money better with your partner.

Also, in case you haven’t been subjected to our pleas on social media yet, we’re looking for real-life couples to share their money stories with us. If you are concerned about privacy, we are happy to leave out some or all identifying information. We’re really looking to capture the feelings associated with your particular situation more than the specifics of your bank account.

We also need experts! Lots of experts: relationship coaches, lawyers, financial planners, journalists, behavioral psychologists, labor economists, serial entrepreneurs, reality stars, memelords (I’m only half kidding). We plan to cover a lot of ground and want the right people weighing in.

Alright. I think I’m finished.

I think I’m just beginning.  

Thank you in advance for all of your support.

You can reach me regarding Our Tiny Rebellions at averagejoelle3@gmail.com or The Merge at themergebook@gmail.com.

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The little things

I sit on the board of directors for our local Jewish Community Center. Our banner fundraiser is an annual golf tournament at a local country club, and I had this pipe dream of getting each board member to contribute a nice bottle of wine to create this beautiful, show-stopping wheelbarrow stuffed with wine and flowers that we could sell tickets for a chance to win. Anyway, the project was dicey and more complicated than expected, especially on a bum foot, but somehow, someway, it came together at the eleventh hour and was stunning and successful. Cheers!

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Also

I read:

• Is social media over—or are we just older now? – The Hyphen

• The Real Meaning of Gatekeeping – The Cut

• The Financial Toll Of Fan Culture – Do You Have To Be Rich To Be A Fan Today? – Refinery29

I watched:

• The Deepest Breath, one of the most intense, beautiful, compelling, and sad documentaries I’ve ever seen. It must win all the awards. You can find it on Netflix.

I bought:

• Nothing. I bought nothing. We’ve implemented summer austerity measures in advance of what always becomes an expensive Back to School season. Maybe I’ll write about it for The Joint Account.

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Your wins

Jenna is surviving the chaos and disruption of having a two month old and four year old while living in a rental during a major home renovation. She took on the role of “designer” throughout the year-long process, and even though decision fatigue is setting in, she’s soldiering on. Recently, she recently challenged the stone people over needing fewer slabs for her countertops, and she was right, saving a pretty penny in the process. Good luck, Jenna!