The People v. Butter Boards
My case against the fast-spreading trend.
The storied history of butter boards began with Chef Josh McFadden’s James Beard Award-winning cookbook, Six Seasons: A New Way With Vegetables. Warmed to room temperature and scalloped across a rustic pallet, butter became the binding vessel for a topcoat of decorative edibles. Fine. On a seasonal tasting menu at a farm-to-table restaurant, I could imagine enjoying this. Conceptually, of course. But last month, TikTok user Justine Doiron (@justine_snacks) became a digital sherpa of the butter board, ushering in its viral spread across the internet. Ever since, our feeds have been on a slick downward spiral of chaos: butter, peanut butter, cream cheese, hummus. Everything spreadable is being spread.
If you follow me on Instagram, you already know how I feel about the trend—my DMs are packed with hot takes and heated discourse. But as a lawyer and natural-born arguer, I know that shitposting alone will never defeat the slippery evasiveness of a fast-growing food fad. I must state my case against butter boards. On behalf of myself, my allies, and hostesses everywhere, these are the reasons why they are terrible:
There can only be one board.
Butter boards are an affront to bite-sized meats and cheeses everywhere; a personal attack on the charcuterie arts. Over the years, I have studied the form and worked tirelessly to perfect the perfect board. I will not allow this fly-by-night operation to denigrate my success. Some will argue, just make both. No. A party should never have a charcuterie board and a butter board. They are self-cannibalizing—they will destroy each other. There can only be one board.
They are the *humble brag* of appetizers.
Food influencers like to give the appearance that the process is “no fuss,” but skeptics like me know better. These boards are the perishable equivalent of that annoying woman you know who plays herself off as chill but is Type A on the down-low. You know, the type of woman who feigns ignorance over her child’s skillset at the soccer tryouts but has been getting him private lessons for a year in secret! Like enough, Jennifer, it was not easy, you’ve been fanning out that butter for an hour, and it’s probably about to spoil.
They are prettier in pictures.
Unless you make a point of keeping edible flowers in your refrigerator, your board will likely not achieve an influencer’s aesthetic. Such requires layers and tools and textures. Your board will probably look more like your paper mache volcano from the fifth grade.
Dips belong in bowls.
Enough said.
They are too messy.
The other day, I saw a Reel of a cream cheese board that simulated a swipe—she pretended to dip and then held up a bagel slice covered in pre-arranged toppings. As if slicing a bagel vertically isn’t enough of a sin, the whole thing was a lie. Butter boards are a mess to eat and mess to clean up. How do you remove warm, oily sludge from your porous wooden and marble boards? I’d rather not find out.
Double-dipping is still cancelled.
All of our masking and other germ-conscious behavior has left our immune systems fresh as a baby’s bottom. My family has been sicker in the past eight weeks than the past two and half years combined. I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to expose myself to another week of illness, it better be for a Blink-182 reunion concert and not for swapping spit with my neighbor over a shallow cavity of hummus.
Like any trend, this too shall pass. By next month, we will probably be whipping raw egg white into peppermint cold foam for our frozen hot chocolates. Nevertheless, I submit to you for the foregoing reasons, we hurry the process along.
Are you for or against this food trend? Take a side: averagejoelle3@gmail.com.
The little things
Last Saturday was one of those special days that just came together. I already had a planned mini-reunion with my law school girlfriends on the books. Then, a friend offered us three matinee tickets to see The Music Man with Hugh Jackman and Sutton Foster for that afternoon. The serendipity! My photos do not do this perfect day justice, so please enjoy a snapshot of my fabulous fall nail art against the New York City streets.
Also
If you have time and are intrigued by a true crime story, read this feature in New York Magazine about a family-wide insurance scheme. I could definitely see this as the next Anna Delvey-esque streaming miniseries in a couple of years.
Your wins
Stephanie, a graphic designer, reached 1K sales in her side-hustlin’ Etsy shop, where she sells hand-cut cards, invitations, and more! Check her out!